And The Waves Echoed

It was a serene cold night in October that felt like a December night, and just another downhearted man walking in the middle of nowhere. His black trench coat wasn't enough to melt down the ice lingering in his soul, and he had the walk of a man who had just lost everything. His pride was no longer sufficient to conserve his own charm, as if the dust overwhelming his heart extended to the outside.


Such a moonless night with plenty of sparkling stars, just like the story of his life. Darkness overrules. Not the type of scary darkness, though, but the type that reflects the emptiness he felt.


His feet, finally, took him to the only place that could embrace his agony. To the only place that has always felt like home, to the seashore. He kept staring at the waves as they broke, feeling their impact on his whole existence. What is the mother of all this pain? Why are the breaking waves that soothing? It might be the tiny portion of him that is still attached to nature. It's how much in common they have that makes him crawl back to it over and over again. Not a single year has passed without him visiting the seashore, but it's been years and years since they last had a private date.


A war was initiated within the remaining ashes of his burnt soul, something like the Trojan War that was meant to be the end of the great Achilles. Who ever thought that the end of such a courageous hero would be that early? Such flow of scattered notions and thoughts through the vessels reaching for his chaotic brain triggered it to play back hundreds of concealed memories. How the young man broke down, just like the sudden death that never matched Achilles' dignified history! "Did I really crumble out of no reason?" he kept repeating it inside his head without spelling it out.


The years that passed him by flashed in the blink of an eye. All his exceptional achievements.The looks of admiration in people's eyes. His crooked smile every time he received a compliment. His unalterable reply, "Everything changes, but I never do. That's why I'm always happy," echoed in his head. He caught a tear rolling down his cheek that knew nothing but smiles of victory. Nevertheless, what really doubled his agony was his ignorance of when all this pain had accumulated within the youthful, proud soul.


The alternative tidal changes flawlessly found their way into his shipwrecked soul, resembling the butterfly effect. Since they not only restructured the haphazard crystals of sand, but also gradually reached for what's beneath the mask. For the side that he kept escaping from for years and years.


Hardly did he reach for the pack of cigarettes in his pocket, when he got one and lit it soullessly. Just like a surgeon cauterising a wound to stop its bleeding. He wasn't even acquainted with the reason for which he was toking on the cigarette, except that he wanted to smoke the night away until he asphyxiated. Even the flashes of the past faded away when he tried to recall them for one last time. One last time? He was not sure if it was actually his last attempt to recall the days of glory, or if that was just one of the nights when death is the most joyful fate he could possibly desire. Even that coffin nail between his fingers insisted to immortalise his agony. With tar getting real, it stained his hands in black. Not only his hands, but it also extended to beneath his skin like a tattoo documenting his scars. His ego surrendered to his devastation. His exhausted body surrendered to the frosty shore. With a surrendered soul and cloudy tearful eyes, he took the absolute last drag of his cigarette. And as he expelled the smoke, he shut his eyes hoping to never open them once more. A last prayer, he yearned for it to be, before the waves echoed beyond the horizon.

Surrealism

A self-philosophy only because of being related to myself, not because it's actual philosophy.

Because I think that the sophistication of human minds deserves to be given the chance to philosophize on its own. 

Through the history of human beings, literature has always reflected people's thoughts of their beloved ones, but has anybody ever been in love with a thought? 

Speaking of my abstract universe, I can say that I'm preoccupied with a thought. A thought that dominates my mind, while it's preoccupied with smoke and other heavenly things. Such a surrealistic paradox between smoke and heavenly things, but that's why I can't let go of that thought. It's how its tenderness occupy its oppression and how I cling to it, every time I decide to completely move on.

For the love of that thought, I never regret turning into an abuser. Because no matter how devastating the withdrawal symptoms are, one could never give up crawling back to it over and over again. Surrendering to it starts to be a part of one's attitude, if that one reached for its heavenly core before.

Such an exquisite type of speciality lies in being one of those few ones who has ever been allowed to see the cosmic core unmasked. Because everybody saw the smoke predominant in its soul and occupying its eyes, but I took pride in seeing its genuine bewitching side.

Genuine? Is it, actually, that real or that's just how I sustain its survival?

And why would I keep it alive, if it was hypothetical? 

Supposedly, I might be so selfish that I keep it lingering in my soul so that it makes me feel better about myself. Or maybe I'm just so selfless that I let it suck the life out of me without defending my existence so that I'd preserve it.

And what if thoughts are just the doppelgängers of people in our minds?
Maybe I'm just a repudiated thought longing for survival, while it's not a right of mine, or even a dominating one in another story.

I'm Smoking Myself To Death

From the thoughts of a desperate young man..

It's one of those nights of solitude. Cold and soulless, just like everything between us. But this time, I decided to smoke the night away thinking that it could be the remedy while it just brought aching nostalgia.

I'm standing in the black shades of despair searching for a relieving insight into her mind, but my trials are totally unattainable. Maybe I've always been disabled since she decided that sorrow should dwell in my soul.

I've always been trying to be a warrior, but agony is all what remained after her departure. Nobody was ever able to conquer the cold lingering in her. I followed her gaze more than once, but never did I reach the destination on which her eyes are fixed.

Like a stereotype of a depressed man, I take a sip of my coffee between taking the absolute last drag of a cigarette and lighting another one.

Owing to my bad luck, even coffee reminds me of her. It's the brownish black color resembling the color of her graceful eyes that brings back those thoughts of her.

I glanced at them once, but she never looked at me into the eye. I think I just needed a chance to reach the depths of her soul. Maybe she knew that I could solve the mystery and that's why she quit.

And though I never got the chance to stare at her eyes, how striking and full of life they're makes me feel as if her heart occupied her eyes instead of her chest. It's like I can see a whole life within them, even though it's just a quick look.

Such an unexplicable paradox in how soulless she's, despite the sparkles in her eyes. Maybe that's why I never managed to give up being preoccupied by her.

Overwhelmed by grief, I'm not able to stop thinking about how cold she has always been despite the tenderness and passion she used to look at me with.

Everything, even, started on a summer-like rainy day. Even nature wanted to engage her to contradiction just like how she is capable of loving fondly, even though she's heartless. 

I wish I was able to get rid of all these illusions, but everything takes me back to the only place that still feels like home. Everything takes me back to her eyes.

The thoughts of her are spreading under my skin just like a drug, having its own path through my vessels trying to overrule me.

I hope she never wants to take a last look at me, because that's when I'll crumble. 

I'm just fine with hallucinating all night with the company of those sighs that nothing break but the smoke I expel. 

Pardon my frankness, young lady. You'll have to lose a part of you with my withdrawal just like I lost my soul to you. Forgive me for not being courageous enough to get you back, but I'm not gonna throw any rocks in our stagnant lake.

Because tonight, I'm smoking myself to death. 

The Scent Of The Morning

Finally, the gloominess of the late night is over and you can see the vivid colorful trees swaying against the light refreshing morning breeze under the cover of a pretty enlightened sky promising with a dazzling sun that's about to show up. Scenes from that impressing and enchanting nature pushed me to replay the scenes of the eighteen years I've spent on the surface of this mortal land.

I could describe them the same way as media introduces corporations in commercials… "Eighteen years of ultimate success". However, the fact is that nothing on earth is ultimate and that's might be one of the reasons behind the dark spot located at the end of my eighteenth year of existence, besides every other single fault of me. Aside from discussing my faults or shifting to motivating myself, I found the paradoxical feelings within my soul much more complicated than any other thing I've ever felt as well as being worth the discussion.

That paradox is neither like the morning nor the night. It's typically as that part of a second at which night vanishes and light begins to overrule again. It's that portion of time we could neither witness nor observe. Nevertheless, I could imagine it to be like a detachment of light from within the core of the dark. It's something a lot like how fruits grow and how we were brought to this life.

Deep within my soul, I know it's over, but those suppressing voices dwelling in my head are holding onto me to stay where I ended up which is definitely not where I belong.

It's a battle against nature if this name could be applied on that case, exactly like taking an Asian tiger out of the wild or a tropical fish out of the ocean. Instant death is the only destination to them unless they manage to return back to where their lives' reasons exist.

Among the shades of light and dark super-positioning in that early morning, I found out that feelings could be the same like that. Sometimes, we lose ourselves to the idealism of that thought of avoiding taking risks. We might choose failure just because of one fall instead of trying to stand up again, as we always fear fixing what was messed up. I could say that our tendency to fear the unknown future pushes us to surrender even when we're so close to success.
It practically resembles the fake idealism of letting go of people because of the fear of losing them one day. Sometimes, people prefer to break their hearts by themselves instead of letting somebody else break it as if this makes it any better, though the harshness of the heartbreak is still the same.  In both cases lack of courage and so-called idealism and realism are the reasons. And the result is… losing everything!

As the sun approached its perfect spot in the heart of the sky, I reached what I was searching for within the depths of me. The problem is that I went through a very long denial stage in which I refused to fix my ruined life as I never gave myself the chance to see the real image. Nothing is more ideal than the courage to face yourself and fix what was messed up. And why should we follow idealism?
We're humans and we have our ups, downs and imperfections. It just takes some courage, strong will and an unbreakable soul to find your way through that sin curve we swing across with its positives, zeros and negatives.

The Charming Strength

Strong girls can't fall for weak guys and if they do, they must let go of it. I was brought up in a home in which there's a strong woman, but a stronger man who always protect everyone around. Yeah, my mom is strong. However, my dad's charming strength makes her always feel safe and sound when he is beside her and that's feeling protected, loved and cared about. And that's all what I dream of, a man ! As for me, I'm like ×3 stronger than my mom and that's what my dad taught me. Accordingly, it's forbidden for me to love a weak guy. We love seaking marriage and a long journey ahead that to be completed everything must be matching. Actually, God has created males and females to complete eachother so that they only feel whole by the presence of their partner. So, how could a girl feel whole with a kid? It's known that guys are no more than big kids and the childish part in them is just .. cute. However, if he isn't a man when he must be so, if he can't make her feel safe even before being happy then he doesn't deserve her heart. I know that at some point he needs her to care about him as if she's his mother. When life turns black, he expects to find his heaven in her care about him and a cure to all his problems. He loves being cared about as well as her, but that doesn't mean acting like her lil kid all the time. Real guys don't feel satisfied except when they feel that she's safe by their side. They love making her feel that there's a man around. They know that part of their charm lies in that breathtaking protective strength. You know what? What's the definition of a gentleman? A gentleman is that guy who is a real man.. self-confident but not arrogant.. never lets her down.. never breaks a promise.. always there when she asks his help.. loves her care without being needy..  offers her his help without being sticky.. likes/loves her without being cheesy.. doesn't flirt because he knows that simple actions can attract her more.. appreciates her before loving her.. and knows well that his actions prove who he really is. That's my dream guy. A strong romantic man who belongs to the era of Mr. Darcy of pride and prejudice.  A responsible man who knows that strength is making me feel safe not afraid, that needing me is his right not a defect, that loving me is a blessing not weakness and that he is never ever whole except when I'm by his side. A real man not a childish irresponsible kid.

The Motivational Failure

Life is like riding a rollercoaster. It's full of ups and downs, but you're the one who decides whether to scream or enjoy the ride.

Accordingly, failure is one of the things that anyone must experience through the journey of his life. You can't always be number one. It's a lot like a curve. To reach its peak you gotta start from point zero and once you reach that peak, you must fall to stand up again. However, the striking thing about falling is that while standing up again, you're stepping to the forwards. For the first while, failure seems to be fatal and we almost act in a tragic way. As human beings, we can't accept the fact that we can't be prosperous all the time. I can't say that I'm that super person who smiles at failure. Actually, I breakdown for a couple of hours. However, it's all about the quick recovery. Life will neither wait for you nor anybody else. Life goes on and you have to realize that you can't stop that just because you can't stand again. It's like standing on the railway lines. If you don't move quickly, the train will pass regardless your position even if that means your death. Yeah, I know that we can't always keep our strength. Simply because even the people with strongest souls have a fragile frame that may break sometimes. Allah (SWT) said in the Holy Qur'an: "Allah wishes to lighten (the burden) for you; and man was created weak" [An Nisaa, Verse 26-28]
Subsequently, weakness is one of our characters as humans, but it's known that every illness has its own treatment. Allah (SWT) offered us that treatment when he said: "Seek help in patience and prayer; truly it is hard except for those who are humble. Who bear in mind the certainty that they are to meet their Lord and that they are to return to Him."[Qur'an 2:45-46]

Nevertheless, patience and prayers aren't the only factors. They'll strengthen your heart and soul, but you gotta work hard. Einstein tried 100 times and failed before reaching his great invention, but he didn't give up. You know why??
Because he had a dream to achieve. He believed in his abilities. You have a dream, you gotta chase it. Those who hate you will tell you "You can't". Nonetheless, you can achieve it as long as you believe. You're powerful and strong enough to do anything. ANYTHING.  People like you invented great things, discovered nature's miracles and invaded the space. The whole point lies in faith and strong will. Be unbreakable! It's not the failure that destroys people, it's the lack of faith that really does.  Support yourself even if nobody else believes in you. Prove them wrong!
For God's sake, who has never failed? The answer is NOBODY!!
It's the number of trials that counts. It's the `number of times you stood up again that makes you more vigorous. Try, try and keep trying till death.  We'll never stop falling down. However, those who survive are those who stand up even stronger than before. Thus, are you done from crying and feeling that you're such a careless person that deserves nothing? If you aren't done, then stop wasting your time now. Yeah, NOW!! Learn from your faults and don't repeat your mistakes. Forget doubters even when they're in your own head. Neglect all the fear and stop underestimating yourself. It deserves to be appreciated and loved.
 You've failed, but look at the bright side.  You've learnt a lesson, you've seen who are the people who deserve you at your best and you stood up again. You survived and that's real strength. As a matter of fact, we learn wisdom from failure much more than from success.  Therefore, your failure will be no more than an introduction to your success. That's how it goes.  
I think it's obligatory to thank God for blessing you by such an experience instead of complaining about that. He gave you the chance to see a lot of things clearly and brought the best out of you. And never forget that the future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.

Let Them Talk..

Are you trying to explain to people the way you're? Do you care about their opinion? Are you ready to change to please them?
Well, I have found myself obligated to answer all these questions to know where I really am. We all exist, but we don't all live. Being alive depends on having prهىؤهحalive depends on having pro. Being alive depends on having pro where Ii rinciples, ethics and beliefs to stand for.

Actually, we'll never be able to please everybody around. There'll always be some people to judge you, hate you and rate you. However, some people will believe in you and appreciate your true value.
Nonetheless, it's really abnormal if you expect to be loved and appreciated by everyone. The  fact is that even God wasn't agreed on by all mankind. So, how could everybody agree on you, while you're not perfect and you'll never be?

Difference is our nature and some people even found reasons to doubt the presence of God. Consequently, you'll meet some people through your life who will have their own reasons to gossip about you and they might fight to prove their imaginary theories.        

I know that it's so irritating to know that some people somewhere are gossiping about you, but who cares? Their talks will never make difference. Meanwhile, they're the ones who waste a lot of time and effort talking about you.

Let them talk...
Let them insult you and talk about you in such a bad way.

It's a sort of psychological disease that attacks some weak-souled people. Yeah, that's a scientific fact.It's said that people gossip because of their jealousy.
While ethically, it's not even allowed to gossip because people almost assume things that have no existence in real life as if it seems more exciting to imagine stories out of nothing.
Consequently, gossiping is also prohibited religiously since religions mainly call for ethics. I don't know a specific text in the Bible or the Old Testament that prohibits the act of gossiping. Yet, the Holy Quran prohibited gossiping totally and pictured it to be as horrible as crimes. Allah (SWT) said in Holy Qur'an: "Oh you who believe! Avoid suspicion ( as much as possible) for suspicion in some cases is a sin and don't spy on each other behind their backs. Would any of you like to eat the flesh of his dead brother? Nay, ye would abhor it. But fear Allah, For Allah is Oft-Returning, Most Merciful." [Al-Hujurat 49:12]
Moreover, the Holy Quran confirmed Islam's prohibition of gossiping by declaring its great punishment.
As Allah (SWT) said:
"Woe to every scandal-monger and backbiter." [Al-Humaza 104:1]
Undoubtedly, there's a common agreement on prohibiting gossiping ethically and humanly as the act of gossiping is evil since both the speaker and the listener are attacking a defenseless person.

Furthermore, if we review the history, we'll find that even prophets have been gossiped about. All over the years, leaders, celebrities and perhaps every single person on the globe has been gossiped about. It's never a sign of either success or failure, but what I'm sure from is that it isn't because you're a bad person.
People gossip because of their weakness. Maybe it's jealousy, hate or hypocrisy which is a result of the two previously mentioned characters.
Some people use it as revenge when you oppose their opinions, desires or whatever.

The point is that you mustn't be bothered by their hatred. That's a life fact! You're gonna be hated as well as being loved. You should accept that it's a fact to decrease your sufferings.

An important question must be asked here, are you still ready to change to please them?
Beware! Don't be fooled! Nothing is gonna please them.
If you're kind, they will take you for granted. If you're good to them, they'll call you stupid. And if you stay away, you'll be blamed. No matter how you try to please them, they will always find a way to criticize and blame you. Accordingly, follow God and never care about their opinions. Don't ever change your originality for anybody's sake.
We should only change to please God and be better ones.
Nevertheless, if you seek their pleasure or attention, you'll end up miserable.

Your success starts from your faith
Have faith in God for that he's gonna always be there even when you least deserve it.
Have faith in yourself, because self-confidence will increase your powers and put you in the place that you deserve.
Have faith in your dreams because great accomplishments start with a belief.
Never gossip about people as you will never know the whole story even if they tell you everything. There will always be some missing part that lies deep within their souls. 

And as Edward Wallis Hoch said, "There's so much good in the worst of us and so much bad in the best of us that it hardly behooves any of us to talk about the rest of us."

Thus, don't judge people as you weren't created for such a mission.
And, never forget that their gossip will neither minimize nor affect your real value. Always keep in mind that most haters are stuck in a prison of jealousy, hatred and blindness. They almost hate themselves even before hating you and you must feel sorry for them as they are sick incapable of love and appreciation.